(Editor’s note: The following declaration was retrieved from a little-used email cache in The Conference Publishers’ account management department. Those responsible have been sacked hacked.)
The recent release of emails hacked from leading climate scientists has convinced me: the jig is up. I can finally admit the truth. I am a member of a vast, secret conspiracy to convince the world that global climate change is real.
Actually, I’m not a full-fledged member; I’m just a low paid administrative assistant at the Society To Usurp Proper Industry Dogma.
This society operates from a huge secret underground lair—well, under-ice, if you want to get all technical about it—hidden at the North Pole, with a branch office in the Antarctic. We thought we’d been busted years ago when that X-Files movie came out, but luckily everyone thought the movie was a work of fiction. The reality is that members of STUPID secretly meet at our Antarctic base four times a year. That’s where we hatch our plans to control the world.
When the polar ice cap started to melt because of the exhaust from our heating systems, STUPID came up with the idea of telling everyone it was “global warming.” This is where it gets really interesting.
To get away with our sly plan, STUPID had to replace the editors of all the major, reputable scientific journals with its own people. Once we’d done that, we convinced thousands of scientists from around the world to manipulate their climate studies, writing papers to support the idea that global warming was real and the result of human activity.
I personally started the bit about “greening meetings” because I wanted to see if meeting professionals would actually buy in. They’ve jumped onboard with such gusto that we’ve built a super-secret fabrication facility producing re-usable water bottles to replace those perfectly harmless, disposable plastic containers at conferences and trade shows. We can barely keep up with the demand!
STUPID also had to buy off any scientist who had information that might have exposed the fraud. Our biggest coup was when we infiltrated the top levels of the Nobel organization, so as to award a phony Nobel Peace Prize.
Fortunately, our members are very savvy businesspeople who’ve grown incredibly rich from their investments in so called “eco-friendly products” like bicycles, mass transit, insulation, and silicon caulking. In fact, STUPID’s whole plan turns on money. Its members invest heavily in things like solar energy and wind farms. Some are even putting their money into concrete barriers, since the shorelines will have to be protected as the water begins to rise.
Of course, our members won’t live to see the payback on these investments, since the plan has taken over 25 years to get this far. But they are dedicated grandparents who hope their children’s children will be able to reap the billions of dollars they expect to make in the future.
Like any great secret society though, STUPID does have its enemies. And unfortunately for STUPID, our opponents will never give up.
Lifelong Industry Advocate Representatives Society is made up of ethical, kind-hearted people who represent good corporate citizens in the oil, coal, automotive, and chemical industries. These people have been fighting the good fight for years. Working together with a small band of brave politicians, they have shown they will stop at nothing in their quest to get at the truth. The incredibly accurate, unbiased reporting by FOXNews has been particularly annoying for STUPID.
They have managed to ferret out the few remaining ethical scientists in the world—who, coincidentally, are usually hiding in the LIARS’ laboratories. These few brave scientists are willing to stand up against the great lie of global warming.
And now, after years of self-sacrifice and delaying tactics, LIARS has finally won a major victory. They have managed to hack into the email accounts of STUPID’s Ground Central, and they’ve released the truth. LIARS agents have released all the emails, in their entirety, without taking a single syllable out of context. This has put a serious crimp in the STUPID plan for world domination.
But I have a feeling that STUPID isn’t out of it yet. We will fight back. We managed to beat down the noble tobacco industry with our claims that “smoking causes cancer,” so I think we’ll be able to defeat the LIARS in the end.
At some point, the funds that support the oil, coal, automotive, and chemical industries will not be enough to stop the overwhelming financial advantage enjoyed by eco-friendly industry. And once that happens, our world is doomed.